


Eternal Optimism of the Unconventional (Discontinued)

by RemingtonSteele



Category: Perks of Being a Wallflower - All Media Types, Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alternate Universe - High School, Based on The Perks of Being a Wallflower, F/M, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, References to Suicide, References to Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, references to non-con underage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-26 07:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/647919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemingtonSteele/pseuds/RemingtonSteele
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A coming of age story about high school, making friends, and facing demons both past and present as told through a series of letters written by introverted freshman, Castiel Novak. Based on the novel by Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been discontinued on account of I am no longer involved in SPN or the fandom in any capacity. If anyone feels interested in adopting this story to continue it, I would be more than happy to hand it over. Just send me a message or comment on here somewhere!

August 21, 2011

Dear Friend,

I am writing to you because I was told that it might help me if I could write down the things that I think and the things that happen to me so someone else can read them. She said you would listen, and that’s really all I can ask of you. And even though you may not be able to understand or relate to everything I talk about, you know what it means to appreciate life. I hope the things you’ve experienced that have been imprinted into your memory as those eternal moments can help you get somewhat of a grasp on the things I describe to you, even if they are sometimes things you haven’t experienced personally. You don’t even have to write anything back, which is why there is no return address on my letters; all I want is someone who will listen. I think since you don’t know me, and we have never met in person, it will make it easier for you to listen because she told me that sometimes strangers make the best listeners because they don’t have any background story with which to prejudge you.

So this is my life, and a lot of the time I feel sad, but I know how to appreciate things, so it’s okay. I never really knew I was this way until my mom died. But she was sad too, and my therapist has told me about things having to do with “genetics” and “hereditary,” so I think that is probably why I am the way I am.

I don’t really remember much about my mother’s death because it happened when I was only nine. I just remember one day she was here, and the next she wasn’t. Things are a little fuzzy other than that, but I remember spending time talking to a doctor a lot afterwards because I couldn’t stop crying. Well, I didn’t talk to a doctor at first. Like I said, it’s all a little blurry in my mind, but I know a few days after my mother was gone, I got very, very bad. I remember my older brother Gabriel holding me real tight, and he was shaking, and I remember my father looking at me like he was scared I would disappear too. I don’t know why he kept looking at me like that because he didn’t look at Gabriel or my sister Anna like that; it was only me.

Afterwards, I just remember I spent a long time talking to a doctor, and she asked me questions about my mother that I didn’t want to answer, but I did anyways because I knew my dad was paying for this doctor to talk to me, and I wanted to make his money worthwhile. So she would fold her hands in her lap and give me a real steady look and say things like, “What did you like best about your mother, Castiel?” And I would sniffle because I was crying (I never really stopped in those days), and I would say things such as how I loved her hair because it was bright red like strawberries, which is where Anna gets it from, and I would talk about how my mother used to take me to the aquarium and show me these bright green fish.

The doctor asked me about the aquarium and if I would like to describe the fish. So I told her all about them and how there were so many, and they all had these scales that reflected light and it made them look like treasure. I suppose that sounds kind of dumb now that I’m older looking back, but it was really what I thought then as a nine year old. I told the doctor that these specific fish were always the ones my mom and I went to first because they were our favorite. The tank for these green fish was right by the little restaurant in the aquarium, so my mom and I would stop there to eat, and she would buy me a cheeseburger because she knew they were my favorite, and we would sit and eat and watch the fish swim around.

After I talked about the aquarium, I started crying even harder, but I felt better at the same time. I don’t know how that is possible, but the doctor was telling me things about how “remembering the best times makes it easier to cope,” so I guess that’s probably what was going on with me when I told her about the fish at the aquarium.

For the rest of the school year after my mom died, everyone treated me differently. They also treated my brother and sister differently, but only for a while. With me, it was like I had grown another head or something because they just kept treating me different. The teachers gave me better grades even though I know I hadn’t gotten suddenly smarter overnight, and to be honest I think now that they did all of that because I made them nervous for some reason. Maybe they were all afraid I would get bad again. The doctor had given me medicine for it though, and I haven’t gotten as bad as that one time since.

I still talk to the doctor occasionally, not as much as when I was little, though now I know she is really called a “therapist.” Sometimes she asks me if it bothers me that my father works all the time now, and I don’t really know what to say, so I just shake my head and say that I understand why he does it, and really, I do, because he is the only one bringing home the “bacon,” as my brother used to say. It’s especially okay now because I am fifteen, so I am old enough to where I can take care of myself if I need to. My father isn’t a bad father; I just think sometimes he tries too hard to forget things. I don’t like to think that my father is trying to forget how to live, though, because that makes me uncomfortable. So most of the time it’s just me and my sister Anna, who is going to be a senior in high school this year. My brother is away at college going to film school because he wants to direct movies someday.

Anyways, I’m not exactly sure why I told you all of this in the very first letter, but my therapist was right because I do feel a little better about things, so I thank you. I really should be going to sleep now, though, because tomorrow is my first day of high school ever, and I’m really nervous.

Love always,

Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> additional notes: I am making a playlist for this fic, but it's not done yet, just like this fic isn't done. so whenever I finish my playlist, a link will get posted somewhere in here. thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still trying to get the hang of posting on this site and having some technical difficulties. apologies if you were affected by them!

August 29, 2011

Dear Friend,

So high school is interesting. My favorite class is probably advanced English because I’ve figured out that the majority of it involves being assigned books to read.  Well, we didn’t get any books assigned for the first few days because our teacher went over some of the steps for writing papers, but now we finally have our first reading assignment. The book is called _Fahrenheit 451_ by a man named Ray Bradbury. It’s really interesting so far because it takes place in a futuristic world where books are illegal, and there are firemen who come to your house and set your books on fire if you are caught with any in your possession. I can’t imagine living in constant fear that my books were going to get burned to ashes simply because I owned them. The main character’s name is Guy Montag, and he’s a fireman. But I have a feeling that he is going to become a hero by the end. We will see.

I sit by myself at lunch, and while I don’t mind that much because it gives me a chance to read, I’d like to make some friends soon because my therapist said I should “participate.” There is this one girl that I knew in middle school, and I thought that she might talk to me, but when I tried to say “hi” to her, she just kind of ignored me. I guess she’s starting to go through that phase that Anna went through when she entered high school where she talks to popular boys a lot and pretends that she is dumb when she really isn’t dumb at all. I don’t know why someone would do that.

Oh, I also need to tell you about my art class. It’s my favorite class next to advanced English. There’s this guy in there named Dean, and he wears leather jackets pretty much every day. It’s so cool. And he is hilarious. It’s kind of weird that he is in my art class, though, because it’s an art class for freshman, and Dean is a senior. He doesn’t try and be snobby because he’s older though, which I like. A lot of seniors I’ve noticed tend to look down at freshman. I guess they just do that because they think they have “experienced more,” what with being older. And maybe most of them have. It’s just the way they act about it that’s weird.

Anyways, I decided today I was going to try and be Dean’s friend because he just seemed like a really cool guy. He has nice eyes too.  They are green. So I sat down beside him and said “Hello, I’m Castiel.” And he said “Cool name. I’m Dean,” and then he gave me a little pat on the shoulder and said he liked my t-shirt because “AC/DC rules, man.” I didn’t tell him that it was my brother’s old t-shirt, though.

The assignment we are working on in art right now is shading with ebony pencils. I like using these because you get to smudge your drawing with your finger to make it blend in more, and you get silvery gray all over your fingers. Today Dean got the color smeared all over his fingers, and then he used it to draw a mustache on his face. I laughed really hard at that, but the teacher was a little less than impressed and made him wash his face off in the sink by the wall. After class was over, Dean smiled and gave me a pat on the back and said I was a “pretty cool kid.” And then he left.

My brother called tonight too! I talked on the phone with him and he told me to turn on the television to channel 20 at 8 o’clock because he had been cast as an extra in a TV show and he wanted us all to watch and look for him. Even though Gabriel is working towards being a film director, he told me once that a lot of times people who want to direct features start out in the acting field because it’s generally a good way to ease into the business and get a feel for what goes on.

It was a good night because my father didn’t have to work late, and Anna wasn’t out with her friends, so all three of us sat down on the couch at 8 o’clock and turned the TV to channel 20. We watched the whole show on the edge of our seats, and Anna was the first one to spot Gabriel sitting at a table during a restaurant scene. She jumped right off the couch and shouted “There he is!” and pointed at the screen. Me and my dad, sorry, my dad and _I_ (I’m trying to work on my grammar since I am in advanced English now), leaned forward, and then we both started smiling when we saw Gabriel. He didn’t have any speaking parts, I guess because extras usually don’t, but he got to hand the waiter a menu, and we all cheered at the television during that part.

After the show was over, my father called Gabriel to tell him that he was proud of him, and then Anna talked to Gabriel for a minute and teased him by saying his “menu-giving technique was a little off.” I know she was just kidding around because I don’t even think “menu-giving technique” is a real thing. And then I got a turn on the phone with him. He asked me how school was going, and I told him about Dean and how I was trying to make friends. “That’s really awesome, kiddo!” He said, and then he had to go because he was working on a project for one of his film classes. He promised he would be home for Thanksgiving, though, and I can’t wait to see him.

Love always,

Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates will be a little more spread out now because of school and future writer's block and such. thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here is chapter 3 up sooner than I expected! Also, I finished the playlist, and [here](http://sassynaomi.tumblr.com/post/41212674004) is the masterpost, and it has a link to listen to the playlist, along with a complete list of the tracks. anyways, enjoy chapter 3!

September 4, 2011

Dear friend,

Well, I attended my first ever football game on Friday! I was kind of nervous about going because I knew it would be a pretty big crowd, and sometimes crowds make me get really dizzy and sick. I was okay for the most part, though. When I first got there, I kind of just stayed out of the way and watched people interact with each other. Dean was even there, which was surprising because he didn’t look like the kind of guy who would go to a high school football game. He was there, though, in the very back of the stands. He kept yelling things out occasionally like “C’mon, Michael!” Michael is our team’s quarterback.

Dean wasn’t really sitting with anyone that I could tell, so I went right up to him and said “Hello, Dean.” And he waved me over and said “Well look who it is!” and then he gestured for me to sit beside him, so I did. I asked him if he enjoyed football and he nodded and said “Love it,” and watched Michael as he ran to the sidelines for a moment.

I watched the game with Dean for a few more minutes, and then a girl with blonde hair came up to where we were and said “Okay I got popcorn, now scoot over, assmunch.” And Dean laughed and took the popcorn from her, saying, “You kiss your mother with that mouth?” and the girl rolled her eyes and sat herself down on the other side of me. She gave me a curious look and said, “Who’s this, Dean?” and Dean said, “This is Castiel. We have art together.” And she grinned really big and extended her hand for me to shake. “I’m Jo. It’s nice to meet you. Don’t mind Dean, he can be kinda obnoxious sometimes.” She said the last part with a chuckle and reached across from me to shove Dean on the arm as he yelled at the football game again. “Oh, Dean’s all right.” I said because I didn’t want him to think that I thought he was obnoxious too. This made both Jo and Dean laugh a lot, and Dean reached across me to shove Jo back.

When the game had almost ended, Jo leaned over and nudged Dean with her hand saying, “Are we gonna go to waffle after this?” and Dean said “Hell yeah.” I didn’t know what “waffle” meant, but I figured I would find out soon because Dean asked me if I wanted to go with them, and I said that I did because it seemed like it might be fun, whatever it was. I didn’t want to ask them what “waffle” meant, though, because it seemed like something that was pretty obvious, and I didn’t want them to know that I didn’t understand the reference.

And as it turned out, “waffle” is simply short for Waffle House! It’s a little restaurant that serves breakfast food, and apparently it stays open all 24 hours of the day, so it’s a good place for high school kids to eat when they want to stay out late with their friends. I rode there with Dean and Jo in Dean’s car. He has the coolest looking car. It’s a slick black color, and Dean told me the model was a ‘67 Chevy Impala. Wow! Apparently it used to be his dad’s, but Dean spent more time working on the car (changing the oil and polishing it and stuff) than his dad ever did, so Dean ended up getting it as a present for his 16th birthday. I’ve never seen anyone love a car the way Dean loves his Impala. It’s pretty amazing.

Anyways, after Dean, Jo and I got seated at a table, they asked me a lot of questions about myself.

“So, how do you like high school so far?”  
“It’s all right.”  
“You got any siblings?”  
“Yes. I have an older sister and an older brother. My sister Anna is a senior here, and my brother Gabriel is going to film school.”  
“What do you want to be after you graduate?”  
“I don’t know yet. I thought about being a writer, though.”  
“What’s your favorite book?”  
“Right now it’s _Fahrenheit 451_ because that is what I am currently reading.”  
They laughed when I said that, but not in a way where they were laughing _at_ me. Just friendly laughing.  
“Got a favorite band?”  
“Not really. I like all kinds of music.”  
And then Dean got really excited and started telling me all about Led Zeppelin, which I knew about because Gabriel likes them too, and then Jo made Dean stop talking because she said he was being obnoxious again, so he gave her a playful shove, which she returned even more forcefully. I don’t think he was being obnoxious, though. I like that Dean is passionate enough about the things he loves to try and share them with other people.

Jo and Dean are really cool, and they seemed like they were really happy together. I told them so and asked them how long they had been boyfriend and girlfriend. They looked at each other for a second and then burst out laughing. I didn’t understand what they were laughing at until Jo choked out, “Oh no. We are _not_ dating.” And Dean said between laughs, “No, no we’re not.” Then Jo told me that they were brother and sister. Well, step-siblings actually. Turns out Jo’s mom married Dean’s dad a while back. They didn’t really say much on the subject of their parents, and I didn’t ask.

I don’t quite understand why, but I was kind of relieved that Dean wasn’t dating Jo. It’s nothing against Jo because she is so cool, but all the same, I was sort of glad they ended up being brother and sister.

We spent a long time at Waffle House talking, and it was a really fun because after Jo and Dean were finished asking me about a hundred questions, they started telling me about themselves.

Jo is 17 and she wants to study criminal justice and be a police officer when she graduates high school at the end of this year. I think that is so cool! She already knows how to shoot guns because her mom taught her when she was younger. Her favorite band is called New Order, and her favorite book is _The Catcher and the Rye_.

Dean just turned 18, and he works as a mechanic. He wants to go to college to be an engineer, but he thinks that he isn’t smart enough because he doesn’t exactly make the best grades. I think Dean is very smart though, and I told him so. I am aware that I haven’t actually known Dean for very long, but I can tell he is an intelligent guy. He acts silly sometimes, but that doesn’t necessarily make a person dumb. Dean’s favorite band is Led Zeppelin, and his favorite movie is _Ghost Busters_. I told him I had never seen _Ghost Busters_ , and he pretended like he was having a heart attack and said, “Dude! I am showing you that movie someday. You cannot live being this deprived of good film!”

 After a while it started getting kind of late, and Dean said he had to work at Bobby’s garage in the morning (I don’t know who Bobby is. I am just repeating what Dean said.), so he and Jo took me home. After I got out of the Impala I told them I had a lot of fun and Jo said, “See ya at school on Monday!” and then they drove away. So I guess this means I might actually have people to sit with me at lunch. I’m pretty excited about that.

I read more of _Fahrenheit 451_ , and it was just revealed that Montag had a bunch of books secretly stashed in his home (I knew it!), and so he went on the run from the police. I got kind of nervous because they sent the mechanical hound after him, and I had a nightmare about the mechanical hound only a few nights before reading that part. I don’t really want to talk about my nightmare, however, because it was not pleasant. I love this book, though, and I hope Montag gets away safely.

Love always,  
Castiel


	4. Chapter 4

September 8, 2011

Dear friend,

I finished _Fahrenheit 451_ a few nights ago, but I got done a lot earlier than the assigned deadline. So I went ahead and wrote my paper on it and turned it in to my English teacher. He asked me if I wanted to go ahead and start reading the next assignment, and I said sure, so he gave me another book. It’s called _To Kill a Mockingbird._

My English teacher told me to call him Chuck outside of class, by the way. When Chuck gave me _To Kill a Mockingbird_ , he said I should “focus on the perspective and how things are described.” I’m not sure what that means right now, but I’ll find out when I begin reading it, I suppose.

I’m really happy because Jo and Dean share the same lunch as me, so I got to sit with them this week. It’s been a lot of fun, and I even met some of their other friends. There’s this one girl named Pamela and she wears leather jackets, same as Dean, and she also wears sunglasses all the time, even when she’s inside. I don’t know why, but I didn’t think I should ask her why so soon after meeting her because my dad used to tell me it was rude to do that. There is also Bela and Balthazar Talbot, and they are twins from England. Everyone has been really friendly to me, and they asked me lots of questions the first time I sat with them, but the questions were all kind of similar to the ones Dean and Jo asked me at Waffle House a few nights ago, so they weren’t particularly hard to answer.

During art class today Dean elbowed me and said, “Hey, Cas, you wanna go hang out in the park with everyone after school?” And I said “Sure.” I couldn’t help smiling because Dean had called me “Cas,” and it’s really exciting. I’ve never had a nickname before! So when school was over I rode to the park with Dean. Jo has her own car, so she didn’t ride with us.

It was pretty nice out because the weather hasn’t had a chance to get cold yet, so we all spent a few hours throwing a Frisbee that Balthazar brought with him. Everyone was laughing and running around, and I kept catching myself staring at Dean because he had taken his jacket off, and he was wearing this dark green t-shirt that made his eyes look especially bright. I think he noticed me looking, but if he did, he didn’t say anything to me about it. I’m glad he was nice enough not to say anything because that would have been extremely embarrassing on my part.

Eventually, we all were out of breath, and so we ended up lying in the grass and talking. They asked me questions about my brother and his career in the film business, and I told them all about how he was on that show the other night, and he got to hand the waiter a menu. I knew it wasn’t a big deal because his part was so small, but I was still excited about it. Everyone got just as excited with me, though, which is the cool thing. I feel like normally if I told someone about how excited I was for my brother, they would think I was just being dramatic. Maybe I am being dramatic. I said so to everyone, and Balthazar replied, “Well we are a dramatic lot.” And then everyone laughed.

I was lying next to Dean, and his leg kept bumping mine occasionally. I don’t think it meant anything, but I had to look away a few times because I felt my face getting really hot. The thing is, I don’t know much about dating, but I know that I would like to go out on a date with Dean. I’ve never been on a date before, so I don’t really know how to go about initiating one. I guess I’m also aware that not all guys are attracted to other guys like I am, and I do not know enough about Dean yet to bring something like that up. It’s okay, though, because even if I never get to go on a date with him, I really would like to be his friend.

Dean drove me home after everyone got tired of the park and decided to leave. He kept showing me different songs from Led Zeppelin and telling me about them. Classic rock isn’t exactly my favorite type of music, but I didn’t mind because it was obvious Dean really loves it.

When I got home, Anna was there with her boyfriend, Luke. I don’t know him very well, and he and Anna haven’t been together for long, but there is something about this look he sometimes gets in his eyes that makes me uneasy. Maybe I am just being dramatic again.

My father came home later and we all got to eat dinner together. Luke stayed for dinner, and my father kept asking him questions until Anna got really embarrassed and told him to stop. I don’t understand why people get embarrassed when their parents want information about their boyfriends or girlfriends. I know my dad is only looking out for Anna, and I think he should because I don’t entirely trust Luke. But perhaps it’s simply because he is going out with my sister, and I think all brothers are like that when their sisters date people.

Anyways, I read some of _To Kill a Mockingbird_ tonight, and so far I really like it. It’s very different from _Fahrenheit 451_ , but I guess that’s the point because you wouldn’t learn much in an English class if all the books you read had the same plots and themes. I kind of get what Chuck was saying about paying attention to the way things are described, because it’s told from the point of view of a little girl, and a lot of it reminds me of how I used to see things when I was a kid, like how I used to think the fish in the aquarium looked like treasure. I got a little sad, then, thinking about the aquarium, and I had to put the book down.

I wasn’t able to read very far into it, anyway, because I also couldn’t stop thinking about Dean and how his leg kept touching mine. I hope these thoughts don’t cause me to get nervous around him, but I am afraid they will, and that’s not good, especially since I am trying to make friends without them thinking I am weird or something.

Love always,  
Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget feedback is always more than welcome. My goal is to try and make this fic the best quality story that I can since it is my first official work so please don't be shy with commenting your opinions!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right here is a new chapter sooner than I thought because I had already written a large portion of it a while ago. but anyways. I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think!

September 13, 2011

Dear friend,

I am extremely embarrassed. The night I wrote you my last letter, I had a dream about Dean. Well in my dream it was like we were in this movie I had seen once on accident when I was little because my sister was watching it, and I just wanted to see what she was watching, and these two people in the movie were naked and they were kissing and rubbing their bodies together. I didn’t get to watch much because Anna turned and saw me and said “Go away, Castiel, and cover your eyes!”

But in my dream I had the other night, it was me and Dean, and it was like we were in that movie I had seen, and we were naked and kissing and rubbing against each other. When I woke up, I thought I was having a panic attack, and my pajama pants were wet in the front. I am not going to go into further detail with you because I will just assume you get the picture. Anyways, after I got my breathing back, I started to cry because I had seen Dean naked in my dream without his permission, and I felt really, really bad.

Well, the day after I had that dream was a Friday, and it was very awkward for me. I already decided I shouldn’t tell Dean about my dream, though, because I thought it might scare him. Besides, I made up my mind that I was going to try really hard not to think about it anymore.

So we were sitting together at lunch with everyone, and I was eating my sandwich and trying not to look at Dean because, at that time, the dream was still pretty fresh in my mind, and looking at him made it hard to forget about it. I even jumped when he suddenly laid a hand on my shoulder to get my attention, and I felt him hesitate when I reacted in that way. “Cas, you okay?” he asked. I looked around and everyone at the table was staring at me so nodded and said I was.

Dean seemed to relax after that and he said “Listen, you wanna come over this weekend and hang out with me and Jo?” I can’t remember the last time someone invited me to their house! I was pretty excited, so I said I would really love that, and Jo said, “Great! We’ll pick you up tomorrow around 2 or something, sound good?” I nodded, and we all went back to usual lunchtime chatter. I felt myself relax a bit because everyone was acting normal, so it helped me act normal as well.

When Saturday rolled around, I felt a lot better about the dream because I hadn’t thought about it as much. It’s like when you get a bad haircut, and at first it makes you feel awful, but after a few days it grows out and isn’t so noticeable anymore. Dean and Jo showed up in the Impala around 2 like they said they would, and we rode to their house. This time, Dean showed me Metallica. I think the singer in that band has a pretty nice voice, and I said so, and it made Dean smile real big.

I met Sam that day too! Sam is Dean’s little brother and he’s a year behind me in 8th grade. He was kind of shy at first around me, but I guess that’s just because people are usually shyer around those who are older than them, especially if you are a middle schooler around a bunch of high schoolers. I figured this was the case because I know when I was in middle school and Anna would have her friends from high school over to hang out I usually hid in my room until they left. I tried to make Sam feel comfortable around me because I know how it feels, but I didn’t tell him so because my dad used to tell me that you usually can’t say strange things like that to people you barely know because it makes them uncomfortable.

Anna told me when I was younger that I made people uneasy because I do this thing where I stare, and she said it was weird. I don’t do it to try and be creepy or anything, like I don’t mean to make people uncomfortable; I just get curious with watching people live their lives. I’m trying to work in it though, and I feel like I’ve gotten better about my staring problem.

I think after a while Sam got more comfortable because he started talking to me more. I asked him about his school because that’s usually a generic conversation topic that is good when you are trying to get to know somebody. It’s like when I go to visit relatives and my uncle ruffles my hair (which I don’t understand why people do that) and asks me about school. “How’s school goin’, kiddo?” he says. And I answer as best as I can, telling him about how I am trying to make friends and participate more because my therapist told me that helps a lot for when I start getting bad again, but for some reason when I start telling my uncle about school, he doesn’t really listen because he starts talking to other adult members of my family. It always makes me feel sort of insignificant when he does that, so when I ask Sam about school I try my best to make him know that I am really interested in what he’s saying.

He was telling me about a history project he’s doing with his friend Jessica, and Dean started teasing him, saying, “Sammy’s having fun studying with his girlfriend.” Sam went red in the face and threw a piece of popcorn at Dean, saying, “Shut up, jerk,” to which Dean replied, “Make me, bitch,” and everyone laughed.

I like Sam a lot, and I can tell he is a good kid. It’s weird because he’s not really like Dean at all, but I guess that makes sense in a way because I’m not very much like Anna or Gabriel.

I enjoy watching Dean interact with his brother because I can tell that they really care about each other, despite their bickering, which I know is something siblings do to show affection. It’s kind of like when we were younger and Anna used to tease me about my hair because it’s always sticking up, and she called me “mophead.” But that was years ago before she started wearing makeup and obsessing over boys and stopped talking to me like that. Sometimes when Gabriel comes home from college to visit, he teases me about things in a brotherly way, but he’s reserved about it most of the time because I think he’s trying to be more grown up, despite the fact that he seems to still enjoy eating candy instead of regular food!

I had a good time hanging out at Dean’s house, and they even let me eat dinner with them, which is something I haven’t done in a while, but I know is a good sign when you are trying to make friends like I am.

Jo’s mom Ellen was the one who cooked for us, and she seemed kind of scary when I first met her because she’s one of these ladies that my dad would probably call ‘bold,’ and he said those were the best kind of women to have. My mom was a ‘bold’ woman like that. Even though I was kinda scared of Ellen at first, she is a very nice lady, and she told me to make myself at home, and she said “Please call me Ellen,” whenever I called her Mrs. Winchester. She even gave me a hug before I left. It had been a long time since someone hugged me like that. So I think I really like Ellen. She’s a good cook too, and she chuckled warmly when I told her so.

Dean and Sam's father is a nice man too, but like Ellen, he is also kind of intimidating because he's very tall and has a thick dark beard. Maybe that is why he and Ellen married each other because they are both "bold" people. Anyways, he told me I could call him John, and he asked me a lot about school too, so I told him I was reading  _To Kill a Mockingbird_ for advanced English, and that I really liked it. And the great thing was he actually listened when I told him about it, and he didn't start talking to Ellen while I was in the middle of speaking.

I wanted to tell my father about eating dinner at the Winchesters and how nice it was, but he was gone when I got home. He does work a lot, though, so I’m not upset. Anna was in her room on the phone, and she probably wouldn’t have cared much about my adventures anyways. But it’s okay because I know she likes having her own life and I don’t hold it against her. Also, I have you to talk to, and I know you listen, so it’s okay, really.

Love always,                                                                                                                                                                                       
Cas


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow apologies for this taking so long I had a lot of schoolwork. but anyways, here is a new chapter, and it's actually longer than any other chapters I think, so I hope you enjoy and please leave me feedback!

October 7, 2011

Dear friend,

I’m sorry I haven’t written anything to you in a while; it’s just I’ve been trying hard to participate with my new friends, and so there hasn’t been much of an opportunity. I do have a lot to talk to you about, though.

First of all, I finished _To Kill a Mockingbird_ , and I thought it was wonderful. I especially loved the childlike perspective because it made the writing style very interesting. I told Chuck this the next day at school, and he nodded in agreement. “There’s another book you should read in your spare time since you’re so far ahead of the class right now.” He said. And then he gave me this book called _Dandelion Wine_ which was also written by Ray Bradbury. Chuck told me I didn’t have to write a paper on that one because it wasn’t a book we were going to read in class, but he said I should read it anyways since it was another book told from a child’s perspective. He told me that although I didn’t have to write a paper on it, I could still put some comparative thought into this book versus _To Kill a Mockingbird._

Chuck gave me a C on my _Fahrenheit 451_ paper because he said I did too much plot summary and not enough critical thinking. I told him I would keep this in mind when I started my paper on _To Kill a Mockingbird_ , and he seemed pleased.

Also, about a week ago, I went to this party and quite a few interesting things happened. I rode there with Dean and Jo, and when we arrived, it was already pretty crowded. I didn’t know a lot of the people, but they were all friendly for the most part. I even saw Michael the quarterback there! It was kind of weird because he didn’t come with any of his friends, and there actually weren’t a lot of his friends at the party.

A couple of minutes after Michael arrived, I saw Jo and Dean standing over by the kitchen smoking cigarettes and talking in a low, secretive way. I didn’t want to intrude on their private conversation, so for the first hour or so of the night, I sat on this couch and talked to Pamela and Bela. I’ve been getting to know them better over the past few weeks, and they are both extremely interesting.

Bela wears a lot of nice jewelry, and she likes to steal sweaters from malls. I don’t understand why she does it because Jo told me their family has a lot of money. I asked Balthazar about it once and he said, “She just does it for sport.” I don’t know what she does with the sweaters she steals, but I like to think she gives them out to people who are cold because, really, Bela is a nice person once you get to know her.

Pamela drives a motorcycle, and she is a self-proclaimed psychic. When we were sitting on the couch at the party she started telling me about these things called “auras.” She says that auras are energy fields of a sort, and they surround every person, but everybody’s is different. Pamela says auras are usually only visible to people who are “sensitive to the spiritual world” like she is. Then she tried to look in-depth at my aura, but she said it was so bright she felt like her eyes were gonna burn out. I wasn’t sure whether I should take that as a compliment or not, but since I am trying to stay positive I decided to do so and thanked her. I followed up by saying, “I’m sorry I almost burned out your eyes, though.” And that made her laugh.

Like Dean, Pamela is very into rock and roll style music, and she even runs a music show at a local roadhouse where bands can come and play rock songs for an audience. I’d like to go visit sometime because she told me that Dean occasionally performs, and I’d like to hear him sing because I bet he is really good.

Well, as the night went on I realized I hadn’t actually had any dinner yet, so I started getting pretty hungry. I said as much, and Balthazar was passing by and handed me this plate of brownies, saying they would be the best brownies I’ve ever had. And boy was he right! I felt very good after only having a few. I can’t really explain the feeling, but when I had eaten a couple, it was like the world started moving in slow motion and fast motion at the same time. And I felt very warm. And I had all these great ideas but I couldn’t get them out of my mouth in time because I would forget what I was going to say, you know?

Then Jo came over, and when she saw me, she looked at Balthazar, who was holding his drink out to the side and laughing.

“Dude, what the hell?” Jo asked him. I chuckled because she seemed a little upset, and I didn’t understand why.  
“Oh, come now, Joanna, he likes it, don’t you, Cassie?”  
I nodded along, feeling like I was in a movie.  
“I feel great!” I said. Everyone laughed, and I laughed with them.  
Jo seemed to lose her annoyance after that, and she sat down next to me and elbowed me in the ribs.  
“You need anything?”  
“Uh huh.”  
“What do you need?”  
“Cookies.”  
“You need anything else with your cookies?”  
“Yeah. Cookies.”

Everyone laughed again, and Jo took me by the arm and helped me stand up. “Well, let’s get you some cookies then.” She said, leading me into the empty kitchen. The tiles on the floor were very bright, and I said so. I told her they reminded me of the insides of oysters.

Jo sat me down at the counter, and I watched her rummage around for cookies. “You know, Dean has beautiful eyes.” I said thoughtfully. Jo glanced at me, the corners of her mouth turned up in amusement. “Okay, Castiel.” She chuckled.

“No, I mean it. They are just the greenest green, like the kind of green you feel when you run your fingers through the grass.” I just kept on rambling, almost unable to stop the words coming out. It’s like I was afraid if I didn’t say them or say them fast enough, I would forget. “And that green sensation you get. That kind of green. Just so... green.”

Jo chuckled and handed me a bag of cookies. “You know,” I continued, “My mom and I used to go to this aquarium, and the first time we ever went, she showed me these bright green fish in one of the tanks. They were my favorite ones. They were her favorite too. We always made sure to visit those fish every time we went.” Jo smiled and leaned against the counter. “That’s neat, Cas. Does she not take you anymore or something?”

“No, she can’t because she killed herself when I was nine.” I replied, looking down at the half eaten cookie in my hand. I honestly can’t tell you why I told Jo this. It’s like the words just kept coming out, and I couldn’t stop them. I felt really bad, though, because the look on Jo’s face when I told her about my mom was very emotional, but she tried to hide the shock, and I could tell.

I felt like I needed to better explain myself because I hated seeing that look on her face, so I leaned forwards slightly because I was trying especially hard to get Jo to understand. “Kinda wish she’d left a note, you know?”

Jo just kept staring at me in silence, and I felt naked all the sudden. Not literally, but, you know how sometimes you accidently say something very personal, and it’s like your insides are exposed and you feel very vulnerable? I got this urge to run away, so I looked around for a moment and asked Jo where the bathroom was. She pointed me down the hallway to the right, so I hurried away, the bag of cookies still clutched in my hand.

I must have gotten confused, though, because when I opened the bathroom door, it wasn’t a bathroom door at all. It was actually a bedroom door. Anyways, I opened the door, and Dean was sitting on the bed beside Michael, and they were kissing each other.

“Oh.” I said simply.  
  
Dean pulled away from Michael as if he had been shocked and looked at me with wide eyes.  
“Cas?” he asked, his voice slightly hoarse.  
“Jo got me cookies.” I replied, holding up the bag as if to explain myself.  
Suddenly I had that terrible urge to run away again because Dean was kissing Michael, and Michael was a boy, and Michael was not me, so I turned and hurried back down the hallway and out the side door into the empty yard.

I vaguely heard Dean saying something to Michael along the lines of “He’s a friend of mine, just hold on a second,” and Michael say something I couldn’t understand, but it sounded angry.

It was a very clear night, and the stars were brighter than usual. I sat in the grass and put the bag of cookies in my lap and looked up at the sky. I heard Dean come out after me, and he sounded like he was in a hurry, but as his footsteps got closer to where I sat, they slowed down drastically until he was sitting on the grass beside me.

“The stars are dancing.” I said, still looking up and taking another bite of a cookie. I put it down, though, because I wasn’t as hungry as I had been anymore.

“Uh, I mean... wait are you high?” Dean asked, looking over at me. I laughed and said, “Well that explains a lot!” He nodded in agreement, rubbing his hands together nervously.  
“Cas, uhm. Listen. Michael, he doesn’t really want everyone knowing about... well, that. You know?”  
“Uh huh.”  
“So, could you, like, not mention this to anyone? I mean, Jo already knows, and I’m pretty sure so does Balthazar, but I’m not sure anyone else does. So just, you know, don’t say anything, okay?”  
“Uh huh.”  
“You promise?”  
“Yes, Dean.”  
“Great. Thanks a lot, Cas.” He patted me on the shoulder and stood again, heading back into the house. I continued to sit in the grass and look at the stars. I don’t know how long I did, but I just wanted the silence to put everything back into place again before I talked to anyone else.

Sometime later, Jo found me and brought me inside because she and Dean were leaving, and they needed to take me home.

The drive to my house was strangely silent, but I didn’t mind because I didn’t have anything I wanted to say, or anything I could say.

I wasn’t really high anymore when I finally got in my bedroom, so my thoughts became clearer and more attached to my emotions than they were before. But I didn’t want to think about anything because when I thought about things all I could think of was Dean kissing Michael, and I felt this awful ache in my chest. So I just turned my lights off and crawled into bed.

I didn’t sleep very well, either.

Love always,  
Cas


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy ch 7 and if you notice any typos please inform me as I am never sure that I can catch them all xx

October 12, 2011

Dear friend,

A few nights ago, Dean came to my house and sat on the porch with me and told me the story of him and Michael. I don’t know why he told me anything, really, but he said it was important I understand.

It all started about a year ago because Dean went to a party with this popular girl named Charlotte, who apparently moved away last summer, and that is why I have never heard of her. But anyways, Dean said the party was full of popular kids, so the only reason he went was because Charlotte invited him to go with her. I’ve noticed that popular girls do pay a lot of attention to Dean. I don’t know if it’s because he has the “bad boy” appearance or what, but it didn’t really surprise me that a popular girl wanted to take him to a party with her. I was more surprised that he agreed to go at all, but it’s beside the point, I suppose.

Anyways, Dean got drunk while he was there, and somehow he ended up doing shots outside on the deck with Charlotte and Michael, who was also pretty wasted. Well, Charlotte wanted to go upstairs to a bedroom with Dean, but he wasn’t feeling like it, so she left him outside with Michael, who continued doing shots with him.

Dean said they had both drunk quite a lot, and eventually they stopped drinking and ended up sitting on the floor with their backs against the railings just talking. Dean said he actually felt quite comfortable even though he and Michael were sitting unusually close together, so close that their legs kept rubbing against each other.

They did small talk for a little while, and then Dean said he looked over at Michael, and Michael was staring at him in this really intense way, and next thing he knew they were making out. When they pulled away, Dean and Michael both started chuckling nervously. He said he was waiting for Michael to freak out and shove him or punch him or something, and apparently Michael was thinking the same thing about Dean because they both recognized the fear in each other’s eyes. So they made out some more. Dean said he hadn’t felt so free and content with himself in a long time.

But when they had school again on Monday, Michael didn’t speak to Dean or even acknowledge that they had talked, much less seen each other at the party. He just kept telling everyone who would listen that he had gotten laid by some girl, but he was so drunk he couldn't remember her name. Dean knew this was a lie, but he let it go anyways. I could tell Michael had hurt Dean by lying like that because when Dean was telling me about it his voice got real quiet, and he kind of hugged himself.

He didn’t talk to Michael again until about a week later when he got a text message telling him to come to another party. When he asked who was messaging him, it turned out to be Michael. Michael wanted to see Dean again, so he told him to come, and Dean did. They ended up fooling around in the pool shed at the house the party was being held, and then the next time they had school, Michael made up another story about "banging" a mystery chick, and he denied ever seeing Dean, even though nobody was asking about it.

This went on for the rest of the school year. Dean would go to a party, he and Michael would spend the whole time getting to know each other and then later fooling around when they were alone, and the next Monday, Michael would make up some story about having sex with a girl and being really wasted.  But Dean said Michael couldn’t even look at him when they were at school, and Dean took it pretty hard because after a while, he really started to like Michael.

It got to the point where Michael began hooking up with girls on the side so he could validate some of his imaginary claims. But he always told Dean afterwards that even kissing girls now made him feel sick, and Dean was the only person he felt good being with anymore.

So Dean started hooking up with girls too because he thought it might make him feel better to be on somewhat equal terms with Michael. He said everything was starting to become a huge mess, and then summer came and things improved because Michael didn’t have the social pressures of school on him anymore. At least that’s what Michael told Dean. So they both agreed to stop sleeping around with girls and only spend intimate time with each other.

Well, a few weeks into summer, Dean and Jo had a party at their house, and Michael showed up, which was kind of weird to everyone because it wasn’t a party for popular kids. Dean and Michael didn’t talk to each other much for the first part of the night, but Dean wouldn’t tell Jo why Michael was even there at all, instead pretending like he was just as in the dark as she was. When mostly everyone had left later on in the night, Dean and Michael went into Dean’s room, and they had sex with each other for the first time ever.

When they finished, Dean said Michael started crying, and he told Dean that he loved him. Dean held him while he cried, and then eventually Michael fell asleep, so Dean pulled his pants up and pretended Michael had passed out drunk on his bed. He lit himself a cigarette and went back into the living room where Jo was watching TV with Pamela. Dean told them he had gone into his room just now and found Michael passed out on the bed, and then he made a couple of jokes about maybe having to share a bed with Pamela, but when he looked at Jo she was staring at him with a strange expression on her face.

Finally, Pamela went to sleep, and Dean checked on Michael, but he hadn’t moved. Dean had Jo call Michael’s parents because Michael wouldn’t wake up, and Dean needed an excuse to get him out of his house before anyone figured out what had really happened. Michael’s father eventually came, and Dean helped him carry Michael to his car. When he got back inside, Jo cornered him and asked questions until he eventually caved and told her about his relationship with Michael. I felt an incredible fondness towards Jo at this part in the story because Dean said Jo was completely supportive and even agreed not to tell anyone else about it until he was ready.

Michael’s parents became more strict about their son’s free time habits after the party because they said he didn’t need anything screwing up his football career. So he wasn’t allowed to attend anymore parties, and he and Dean didn’t see each other again for the rest of the summer. Dean said they texted and had phone sex occasionally, but it wasn’t the same. When school started back, they didn’t see each other as much at first, but then Michael came to Dean’s house late one night, and they spent a long time sitting on the roof talking, and Michael kissed Dean and told him he didn’t want anyone knowing about their relationship just yet, and Dean agreed.

I asked Dean if he felt sad because of the way Michael treated him. He sighed and didn’t say anything for a minute, but then he spoke up. “Sometimes. But he’s the first person I’ve met who understands me better than anyone because we are both going through the same thing, so it’s okay, you know?” I didn’t know, not at all. But I still nodded in agreement because that’s just the kind of thing you do in these situations. Dean left a little while after telling me all this, but not before he pulled me into a hug and said softly, “Thanks, Cas.” And then he was gone.

Anyways, I saw my therapist yesterday. Sometimes she asks me questions about my family, and sometimes she asks me questions about my personal hobbies or school, but yesterday she asked me different questions. I sat down on the couch across from her (I think you are supposed to lie down on the couch but I never do because it makes me sleepy), and she crossed her legs like she always does and looked at me for a minute before asking me if people give me a hard time for my sexuality. I shook my head and said “not really,” but it might be because not many people know about it or really care to find out.

My family knows, but I think they always kind of knew in a way, even when I was little, so they never really saw it as a problem. The only time I can remember that anything bad was said about it was once when I was 11, and I accidently spilt my Dr. Pepper on Anna’s homework. Well, she got really angry and jumped up from her seat and yelled, “Oh my god you fag!” At the time I didn’t understand what that word meant, but I knew it was bad because right when she said it our dad came in the room, and he slammed his hand on the table and said “Anna! You do not use that word to your brother ever again. Now apologize.”

Anna turned red and looked down at her hands, and then she said real quietly, “I’m sorry, Castiel.” And even though I knew she meant it, I still started crying because all the shouting had made me very nervous, and I felt bad for spilling my drink on her homework. But then she hugged me and said she was sorry again, and I buried my face into her hair because her hair is red and it reminded me of my mom’s hair, and for a moment I could pretend I was hugging my mom instead, and it made me feel better.

Sometimes I look at Anna and she just looks so much like my mom, and I don’t know whether it makes me happy or sad, but I get really emotional about it. She never called me that word again, though.

And one time a few years later, Anna had taken me to the mall to get me new shoes, and I was doing that thing where I stare at people again, and I was staring at this guy. He didn’t notice at first, but then he did, and he turned to me and said, “What are you starin’ at, faggot?” And I thought Anna was gonna beat the living daylights out of him.

I told my therapist all of this, and she got her serious face on and said, “You are very lucky to have a family like yours, Castiel.” And as I thought about Dean and Michael and their whole situation, I nodded because I very much agreed with her statement. My family really is the best.

Love always,  
Cas


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: heed the tw for abusive relationship because there are elements of that in this chapter. also if you notice typos or awkward sentences point them out to me as I sometimes miss things!

October 20, 2011

Dear friend,

I’ve been bothered for a while now. Ever since Dean told me what was going on between him and Michael, I can’t stop thinking about it, and about how unhappy Dean looked when he was telling me the things Michael has said and the lies he’s told. I guess their relationship is just something I don’t get.

After English class the day before yesterday I decided to talk to Chuck about it, though, because I didn’t understand a lot of things, and I figured since he was an adult he would know more about it than me. So I waited until everyone else had left the room, and I made my way up to his desk and asked if I could talk to him for a minute. He closed his notebook and took his glasses off and said, “Sure. What’s on your mind?” I hesitated for a minute because I was trying to find the right way to word it. “Why would someone keep dating a person who treats them badly?”

Chuck was silent for a moment, staring at me intently before speaking. “Do you know someone in this situation?”  
“Yeah...but...I can’t say who it is, though, because I’m supposed to keep it a secret.” I replied.  
He nodded in understanding and was silent again for a minute. I’m really glad Chuck didn’t try and pressure me into telling him it was about Dean because I would have felt like I was betraying Dean’s trust by doing that.

When Chuck spoke again, his voice was very solemn. “Sometimes people are afraid to let go because... well because they think they won’t be able to find love again. They think what they have is all there is. Or sometimes they don’t believe they deserve better, deep down. It’s... it’s a complicated thing, Castiel. And I’m by no means an expert on this kind of stuff.” He paused, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb.

I felt sad at his explanation because I wish there was some way I could show Dean that he does deserve better. He’s such a wonderful person, and I think I might love him, actually. I didn’t say any of this to Chuck, though; instead I asked, “How can I show them that they deserve better?”

Chuck looked at me carefully, and for a second it was almost as though he already knew what I was thinking. “There isn’t any kind of clear cut way to do it, Cas. You just gotta be there for them; do things to show how much you care, and, if they come around, that’s great. But it’s really up to them.” I nodded and said, “Thanks, Chuck. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He gave me a smile and waved as I left.

I walked home from school that day too instead of allowing Dean to give me a ride because I wasn’t sure I was ready to face him when I had so much on my mind. And I did think about everything my whole walk home, but I still wasn’t sure how to go about any of it. I guess things like that come with time.

Earlier tonight I was in my bedroom reading _Dandelion Wine_. I’m really enjoying it so far, though some of it is a little hard at times to grasp because of the way Bradbury writes. I don’t think that’s a bad thing necessarily; I actually really love the way he writes because he writes like it is artwork. What I mean is the way he describes things is almost as though he had the intention of painting a picture with his words. That’s the way writing should be, I think.

Anyways, my father was working late again so the only people at my house were me and Anna and her boyfriend. I could hear them in the living room watching a movie, but after a while I guess the movie ended and then they started talking. I wasn’t trying to listen in, at least not until the shouting started, and then I peered out of my bedroom door just to make sure everything was all right.

Well, Anna and Luke were standing in the middle of the living room, almost nose to nose, and Anna was yelling and Luke was trying to yell over her, and Anna kept waving her arms around like she was trying to make an important point.

She was saying, “You can’t do something like that, do you know how irresponsible you're being right now?" and at the same time Luke was shouting back, “I don’t care! I am tired of his bullshit. He’s such an uptight prick, and I’m done dealing with it.” and Anna responded with, “You’re being an idiot. How are you going to get money? You have a shitty job that pays minimum wage and you don’t even have another place to stay because you are _not_ staying here! You can’t survive right now without your dad’s support, so just suck it up!" And then Luke started telling Anna to shut her mouth, and I found that my grip on the door was really tight. Anna kept going, saying, “God, Luke, you’re being a fucking child! Grow the hell up!”

And Luke kept yelling at Anna to shut up, and then he hauled off and slapped her hard across the face. She got really quiet and so did he, and after my initial shock wore off, I came out of my bedroom and stalked towards him, fully intent on telling him that he was never to touch my sister again or I would break his arm, no matter how much smaller than him I was. Anna stopped me before I could reach him though.

“Go back to your room, Castiel. It’s okay.” Her voice was kind of shaky but she wasn’t crying or anything, and she wouldn’t look me in the eye. I gave Luke my best glare as Anna kept insisting I leave and go back to my room. I could feel myself shaking but I figured I should probably do as Anna says, because fighting Luke would most likely only make the situation worse. To be honest, I was feeling so angry that it was beginning to scare me a little. So I turned around and went back to my room and sat on the bed. Everything started to spin, so I drew my knees up real close and tried the breathing exercises my therapist taught me for when I get really worked up.

Anna and Luke didn’t yell anymore after that, and I couldn’t hear them talking either. I honestly didn’t want to, though, because I couldn’t get the image of him hitting my sister out of my head, and all I wanted was to forget about it because it made me feel sick. After a while I heard his car leaving, and then Anna knocked on my bedroom door and came inside. She sat down beside me on the bed and asked me not to tell dad about Luke hitting her. I looked at my sister real seriously and said, “Anna, what are you doing?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I wasn’t entirely successful. She looked away and was silent for a few seconds before answering. “It’s okay. He just got worked up is all. And I spurred him on; you saw it.” I felt my eyes sting at her words, and I turned away to stare out the window. “Anna, you did not deserve that.” I whispered.

 “Castiel, don’t. It’s really okay.” Anna responded, but her voice shook a little. “That’s the first time Luke’s ever hit me, and I promise he will never hit me again.” I asked her if she was going to break up with him, and she said no. I didn’t understand why not, but she had this look on her face like she knew I would ask questions and was warning me not to. So I just shrugged. And she told me again not to tell dad, and I agreed that I wouldn’t because she was my sister, and I would do anything for her. And she told me Luke was really a good person, and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think it was true. Then she patted me on the knee and left me alone again.

After she was gone, my mind went back to the conversation I had with Chuck, and all the things he told me about people in bad relationships, and how sometimes they think that what they have is all they deserve. The thought of Anna staying with Luke for this reason made me feel awful, but I had no idea how to say anything to her because I know if I tried she would just tell me I was too young to understand. And maybe I still don’t fully understand.

I feel really sad tonight, so I think I am going to stop writing now and try to go to sleep.

Love always,  
Cas


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, I lost my way for a little bit as far as the writing goes and then I was really busy with school. But! I figured in celebration of Doctor Who returning today, I would get this new chapter out. Apologies if it is not in the best quality, I did struggle with writing it quite a bit. Once more, if you see any typos or inconsistencies I might have missed, please do not hesitate to comment and tell me. Comments are appreciated anyways btw. I do like feedback. :)

October 24, 2011            

Dear Friend,

I went to my first school dance ever this weekend. It was for the homecoming football game, and I didn’t take a date because Jo told me the homecoming dance wasn’t a big deal to not have a date for. So I ended up just going with all my friends in a big group, and we had a really fun time.

Anna even took me shopping for a suit a couple of days beforehand because the only suits I had were kind of worn and too small, and she got all huffy when she looked through my closet and said, “As your sister who loves you, I cannot let you go out anywhere in _those_ things.” So she took me to the mall and made me try on about a hundred different kinds of suits.

I didn’t want anything too elaborate because I remember Jo telling me the dance wasn’t a big deal, so I ended up going with a simple black suit and a dark blue tie. Well, Anna picked out the tie because she said it matched my eyes, and apparently that is important when you dress nice.

The suit does fit me well, though, and when I put it on the night of the dance, I felt pretty good about myself. Anna came to check on me just before she left (I was still waiting for Dean and Jo to come pick me up) and frowned at my hair, which she said was “sticking up all over the place like always.” So she grabbed a comb and tried to brush it down, but it didn’t work very well, and she said she didn’t have time to put any product in it because Luke had just pulled up into the driveway, and she had to leave. I refrained from commenting, though, on the subject of her and Luke because I didn’t know what else I could say or do.

After she left I turned back to the mirror and stared hard at my reflection for a long time. I tried patting my hair down but it refused my ministrations and continued to stand up in all directions, so I ended up leaving it alone. I wanted to look nice for the dance because Dean was gonna be there, and I guess I wanted to seem impressive even though I am rather ordinary. It’s strange that I have never really put much thought into my physical appearance until now, but suddenly it seems like such an important thing. But the suit looked nice on me, so I shrugged as I heard the horn of the Impala signaling Dean and Jo’s arrival.

There was another person in the car when I got out there, and she was sitting in the front seat beside Dean. He introduced her as Lisa, his “girlfriend.” I exchanged a glance with Jo as I climbed into the backseat beside her, and she seemed just as unconvinced as I was at this turn of events. The car ride was rather awkward, and it mostly consisted of silence and Dean avoiding my eyes in the rearview mirror. Jo kept trying to ask Lisa questions in an attempt to lessen the tense atmosphere, and Lisa does seem like a nice person, but I just don’t understand why Dean is calling her his girlfriend.

We met everyone else after we got to the dance, and there was another guy with a mullet that I had never seen before. He introduced himself by giving me a high five and saying his name was Ash, and I instantly liked him. Ash doesn’t have the same lunch as we do, and he works a lot, so that is why I have never met him before.

The overall dance was really fun, but Dean didn’t spend that much time with us, which kind of made me sad. I danced a lot, though, which surprised me because I am not much of a dancer, but after the first couple of songs Jo and Bela practically dragged me onto the floor and refused to let me leave until I “busted a move” as Jo said. After the initial awkwardness wore off, though, I ended up having a lot of fun, and I was pretty sweaty by the time it was over. I saw my sister with Luke a few times as well, and they seemed like you would think any normal happy couple would seem, and it made me think harder on appearances and how even the happiest looking person can be really sad on the inside.

I also noticed Dean and Michael didn’t talk to each other, not even once. Dean just spent all of his time with Lisa. I saw Michael dancing with this other girl, I think her name is Hester, and people were saying that Hester and Michael are together. I don’t really know how that works because Dean and Michael are together too, but I guess it’s like before when Dean told me they would sleep around with other girls to make themselves feel better, so I guess they are doing that again. I saw a couple times during the dance, though, whenever Dean and Michael where dancing with their ‘girlfriends’ they would glance at each other in a kind of secret way.

 I’m not entirely sure why they keep doing this, because Dean doesn’t look very happy with Lisa. I mean, he smiles, and people who don’t know him very well probably think he’s happy, but I can tell he isn’t because I know him better than most people, besides Jo and Sam. He looked a lot happier at the party a few weeks ago when I accidently saw him and Michael kissing in the bedroom that I thought was a bathroom. I don’t really know why Michael makes Dean happy, and this is between you and me, because from what I can see, Michael is kind of a jerk. But I don’t know him as well as Dean knows him, so I don’t know that my opinion counts for much, but if he makes Dean happy then I am not going to try and pretend I know what’s best for Dean.

After the dance I didn’t see Dean, but Jo told me in a somewhat annoyed voice that he went home with Lisa. She said it in a kind of way that implies things, and so I think she meant that Dean and Lisa were going to have sex. When I found out about that, I got very sad. While we rode with Bela and Balthazar back to Ash’s house to watch movies, everyone was quiet about Dean. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for some reason, though, and I excused myself to the bathroom in the middle of the movie and cried for a little bit. I can’t decide whether I was crying because of the fact that Dean was having sex with Lisa or because somehow I knew deep down he wasn’t happy with doing it. I don’t really understand much about that, but I think I cried a little bit for both reasons.

Love always,  
Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay well I'd like to apologize for the rather large amount of angst I have put you all through and I only hope I made you hurt a little bit. Next chapter is going to have a lighter, more fun mood, so don't worry. I think my thing with this fic is that the mood of the story corresponds with Castiel's mood, which, having the conditions he has, is obviously going to be an up and down thing.


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